Life: Oceanside

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

If I Am Anything Like Her

It's crazy to think about how fast a month goes by, when I look back to how February was already a month ago and how fast it has come and gone.
It just makes me so incredibly excited that in hopefully 4 short weeks (or less), my little man will be here.

 I've been spending a lot of quiet time with him lately. Reading to him, singing to him, praying for him, and sharing with him all of the things I am so overly excited to do with him after he arrives.
I've also been spending a lot of quiet time reflecting on the kind of mother I might be. Will I be patient enough? Will I be to over-protective? Will I have the right calming words when he is scared? Will I be able to provide him with all of the necessary knowledge to be the person I dream he will be?

It scares me to questions myself and my abilities so much because I have always been so confident in my ways, but I also know I cannot be the only new mother who questions how good of a person or mother she will be to her child.
I think this new transition just takes over your life, and it becomes a overwhelming, never ending, and such a sweet sweet, precious role that of course, anyone would be nervous for.

When I was reflecting on my way home from work today on some of these same questions I ask myself everyday, I started listening to a new lullaby album I purchased on itunes by JJ Heller called "I Dream of You"when the track "Keep You Safe" came through my speakers, it instantly reminded me of my mom, and brought me to tears. (I blame, pregnant hormones)

My mom became pregnant with me when she was 16, she was just a child herself. She didn't choose to terminate the pregnancy, nor find another woman to raise me.
She bucked up, went from a child to an adult in 9 months, and had me when she was only a few months past the age of 17.
My mother than went on to finish high school, and attend a full time nursing program. She had help from my grandparents during the day, but only while she attend her schooling. She was a student by day, and a full time mother at night. She completed that program and graduated as an LPN. She never put me second, yet she never stopped chasing her dreams.
Which is one quality I gained from her that I am forever grateful for.

My mom followed this mantra her entire life. She worked incredibly hard, but never too hard that we felt like we were not the center of her universe. She never was to busy to hold us when we needed her. She was never to tired to stay up with us in the middle of night if we couldn't sleep. She was never too busy to make our favorite meals after a long day of work. She was never cold, and she was never mean. She was kind and compassionate. She was trusting and trustworthy. She taught us to be strong willed and have a purpose in life. She taught us to never let anyone change our paths, and to always follow our hearts.
Even to this day, even though I am 24.. a midnight phone call would never go unanswered, and if I truly needed her at 1600 miles away she would be on the soonest plane to keep me safe through it all.

I know my mom endured a lot in her life, she was so young, and she had her fair share of hardships, but she never strayed from being the best mother she could be.
When I think of the mother I want to be, her face never leaves my mind. There is nothing I would change about the way my mother raised me. There is nothing I would change about the person she is, or the way she loves us. I know she is my mom, and I may be biased but she did a perfect job in so many imperfect situations.

I think that is really what parenting is all about, and even though I have not yet held my child in my hands, I  do hold him with my whole heart. There is no picture perfect parent. No mom will ever be the same, but if you love your child(ren) wholeheartedly and don't allow anything in the world to change that, than you will be the "perfect" parent.

I can't speak from experience quite yet, but I can speak from the experience of having a perfectly imperfect, generously loving mother.

I thank god for her everyday, and I think the biggest way I can show the lord my appreciation is to be half of the woman and mother that she is.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Birth Plans & Baby Bags

Woah, posting 2 days in a row.
Someone alert the press.

First, thank you for your sweet words on yesterday's post, sometimes it's hard to put it all out there, but I've never been disappointed myself for sharing anything on this blog because the support always outweighs the anxiety.
I was so impressed with all of the well wishes and assurance from not only comments left here on the post but the emails and the facebook support that was sent our way.
Sometimes it's nice to know you are not alone in making scary decisions and I've learned that the community of women that are not only mothers, but women who do hope one day to be mothers as well can be the best friends you will ever have.

Speaking of friends, I need you ladies, and I need you now.
I am hoping this kid decides to make his entrance a little early.
a) he is going to be huge, and if he could come out two weeks early and about two pounds lighter I would be grateful
b) I have a strong feeling regardless of his size, he has an agenda to meet us early, and I personally cannot wait much longer either
 Which means I need to start prepping, like yesterday.

 I want to talk about hospital bags and birth plans.
Both have left me clueless and crazy.
Yes, I can read pinterest boards and articles all day long about what I should pack, but I don't know those women who have written that advice and I feel very disconnected from their lists and suggetions.
So I am asking for your help, my beautiful mommy blogger friends!

First off, birth plans... did you make one? did you stick to it? were you happy you did it? If you could give me ONE birth plan suggestion what would it be?

Hospital bags....what the heck do I really need? Like really? Let's pretend I'll be there for only 24 hours, what do I need to assure is in my bag to get me through that time comfortably. I over pack for everything and I can already see myself rolling a 50 pound barley airline approved bag in to my hospital suite without your assistance and guidance.

I realize that everyone is different and every one's experience and suggestions are never going to be the same, but I want you to be open and honest about your birth experience and PLEASE help me in anyway you can.
You will honestly be my bestie for the restie (yep, I went there)

completely unrelated side note:
If we are not instagram friends, let's change that.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

God's Will

Having a baby is kind of like a mid life crisis, a good one at that, but my point is that it really starts to make you question where you have been in your life and where you think you may be going.

Since finding out I was pregnant I had been pretty set in stone in my plan that I would return to work after 12 weeks of maternity leave. For starters, life without my income would drastically change everything. We would go from really never having to say "no" to the things we want, to cutting out things we really didn't need. My second reason was I have always been career driven and oriented, I have worked very hard to prove myself in my company and I am very proud of what I have accomplished. How could I walk away from all of that hard work?

Yet, as time has gone on, and this belly of mine grows more, I began to question if the plan I had set up in my mind was truly the right decision for not only me, but for our family.

If I returned to work we would have to place Hudson in daycare, which if any of you are will know that this is not only the scariest task in the entire world, but it's expensive...
Maybe we could set up nanny cams and have someone come to the house? Except this was private care and would be at least $10.00 an hour, if not more.
Maybe we could ask family to help? That didn't seem fair to ask them to give such a big part of their lives and so much time. Even if they wanted to, it is a lot of work.

I began researching places and was disappointed every time. I was not disappointed in the quality of care they provided, or the cleanliness of their facilities. I was disappointed because someone else would be spending all of that time with my son, instead of me.

It was than I decided in my head that though I loved my career more than I can describe, the want of being able to stay home and watch my baby grow just became the priority.

Now I am not sure if after 6 weeks of being home if I'll still feel this is the best choice for me, I am not sure if giving up my career is what I am supposed to be doing, I am not sure if I'll decide to get a night time job so that Hudson never has to be watched by someone we don't know/trust, I am not sure if I'll follow my dream and decide to return to school, I am honestly just really not sure..but right now it feels like the right choice.

I know that God has a plan for all of us. Now I am not quite sure where that plan may lead me, but I know right now, that by telling my job that I won't be returning, and knowing I don't have to worry about anything but endless days with this precious miracle that he has granted us with.... I am content with that.

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