I come to it when I have a fun idea to share, a hilarious toddler story to tell, or like in this case, when my heart is just so full of Mama love that I just have to put it on paper.
For those of you who do not know, I will give you a little back story to catch you up to the emotions my heart felt today.
About 3 weeks ago, I was offered a new position at my job. This would include a pay raise and much more responsibility than I could handle just working from home and few nights a week.
I had been on the fence about enrolling Hudson in child care, but still just didn't know if either of us were ready for this step.
I have been a helicopter mom in a sense that we have let a very few handful of people watch Hudson in his 16 months of life. This list includes family and a family friend who we hired part time as our Nanny to watch Hudson in our home in his comfortable environment one day a week. Up until last month Hudson has never slept away from either of us, and has barley ever been someone else's care for more than 5 hours while I had a quick work meeting, or on the rare occasion we actually take a date night.
I know, it's a little ridiculous, but I just like to be present, and the mom guilt when I am not is REALLY real, but I've been working on it.
However, when I was offered this position I knew it would involve me needing to return to work 3 days a week, during normal business hours, but I didn't hesitate in taking the position. Almost as if it was a no-brainier, and just meant to be.
The reality set in later when I started having the conversation with my husband about touring the "school" we had been researching for Hudson. My boss had allowed me to take as much time as I needed to work out childcare and to just return to work when I wanted, so why was there a need to jump in? Why was there a need to go tour a school RIGHT now?
I still just didn't feel we were ready for this.
Hudson and I made the appointment to tour the school at 9:30 on a Monday. When we walked in it was so clean, and each room was so brightly decorated with educational decor. The director gave us a quick tour and brought us to Hudson's room, where he would be placed had we chose to go there. When we walked through the gate of the room Hudson clung to my leg and wanted nothing to do with any child nor any toy there. My heart sank a little, but I was much more positive than I thought I would be. The child to teacher ratio was so small and the one-on-one the kids were receiving was encouraging to me. Hudson timidly watched from behind my back as the other kids played, but after a few minutes of observing he started to inch forward..and further forward...and further forward, Until he was across the room, sitting with the other kids as they read a story. He took in the scenery and the other kids so organically and he fit right in. As Hudson played, the director and teacher began to ask questions about how many days a week I would like to have him visit, and what times I would prefer. When I informed her of our hopes, I followed with the question "how long until we could start?" and her response was "we have an opening for him to start Wednesday if you like!"
Like 2 days Wednesday? No way. I hadn't even prepared for this, but my response came out of my mouth without even thinking.
"Can he start Wednesday of next week?"
and there it was. We were enrolled in "school" and Hudson would start 3 full days a week.
I still was NOT ready for this.
We bought a backpack, a lunch box, the necessary supplies..and that next Wednesday was here before we knew it.
I couldn't sleep the night before as I watched his sweet face sound asleep on the screen of his monitor.
I was NOT ready for this.
The first day we arrived 15 minutes early and sat in the car. I kept repeating "YOU are going to have SO much fun with all your new friends!" "You will love it!" as he laughed in the backseat.
I wasn't sure if I was reassuring him or myself, but it seemed to be working for the both of us.
When we arrived inside and I handed him over to his sweet teacher who was ready to brace for the waterworks, and he began to cry, very loudly, as he held his arms out for me to take him back.
My heart broke in 2000 pieces and as another person tried to tell me "he'll be alright!" I myself was not. I had to leave the room before tears fell down my face, and as stupid as it sounds...they did.
My whole 20 minute drive to work I would cry. It wasn't sad tears. It was a mixture of guilt tears and tears that he was growing up too quickly and HOW did we reach this point? Was he not just born yesterday?
Time is moving to quickly, and I am STILL not sure we are ready for this.
The day at work seemed to drift by at the pace of a snail. I wanted nothing more but for pick up time to be here so I could hold his sweet self and tell him how much I missed him....I still felt so guilty for just leaving him in a place where he knew NO one. The guilt was so strong in my heart.
Than once again, in the perfect timing,...I received 5 pictures from his teachers.
Pictures that showed that he was having the time of his life. Every picture he grinned his gorgeous baby smile and didn't look like he had a care in the world.
and in that moment I KNEW.....
WE were ready for this.
Though the back story itself of this story was about 5 paragraphs long, it needed to told to really understand why today was SO important in my Mama life.
Because I am sure there are moms out there like me who have felt or are going to feel this mom guilt of work/no work? Less work/more work? Childcare/ no childcare? SAHM/Working Mom?
Today, Today was what everything that had just happened had lead up to. Today was the voice I needed to hear telling me I was making the right decision. That I wasn't a horrible mom, and that I wasn't messing it all up.
I held Hudson's hand as we walked in the school. He walked confidently thorough the halls smiling at everyone as we walked by.
We arrived at his classroom....
He didn't cry.
He didn't hold out his hands and ask me to pick him up.
He didn't look at me with nervousness or a timid grin.
He let go of my hand, and he RAN to his classroom, and he didn't look back.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I was a little taken back and maybe a little heartbroken that he wasn't going to even realize I was gone.
but I was SO SO SO happy that he had found this place to be happy when I am out doing something that makes me happy too.
We were ready for this.
He was ready for this, more than we ever even knew we were.
So if you feel you are failing, if you feel you are being selfish, if you feel that you are NOT making the right choice.
You probably are, you just don't know it yet.
The reassurance will come in a form when you least expect it, and it will be worth the anxiety, the tears, worth the the internal struggle.
It will be worth the mom guilt, and it will be probably one of the best choices you made for each other.
Just love them unconditionally, the rest will fall in to place from there.
You are doing a great job Mama, I promise.