It's crazy to think about how fast a month goes by, when I look back to how February was already a month ago and how fast it has come and gone.
It just makes me so incredibly excited that in hopefully 4 short weeks (or less), my little man will be here.
I've been spending a lot of quiet time with him lately. Reading to him, singing to him, praying for him, and sharing with him all of the things I am so overly excited to do with him after he arrives.
I've also been spending a lot of quiet time reflecting on the kind of mother I might be. Will I be patient enough? Will I be to over-protective? Will I have the right calming words when he is scared? Will I be able to provide him with all of the necessary knowledge to be the person I dream he will be?
It scares me to questions myself and my abilities so much because I have always been so confident in my ways, but I also know I cannot be the only new mother who questions how good of a person or mother she will be to her child.
I think this new transition just takes over your life, and it becomes a overwhelming, never ending, and such a sweet sweet, precious role that of course, anyone would be nervous for.
When I was reflecting on my way home from work today on some of these same questions I ask myself everyday, I started listening to a new lullaby album I purchased on itunes by JJ Heller called "I Dream of You"when the track "Keep You Safe" came through my speakers, it instantly reminded me of my mom, and brought me to tears. (I blame, pregnant hormones)
My mom became pregnant with me when she was 16, she was just a child herself. She didn't choose to terminate the pregnancy, nor find another woman to raise me.
She bucked up, went from a child to an adult in 9 months, and had me when she was only a few months past the age of 17.
My mother than went on to finish high school, and attend a full time nursing program. She had help from my grandparents during the day, but only while she attend her schooling. She was a student by day, and a full time mother at night. She completed that program and graduated as an LPN. She never put me second, yet she never stopped chasing her dreams.
Which is one quality I gained from her that I am forever grateful for.
My mom followed this mantra her entire life. She worked incredibly hard, but never too hard that we felt like we were not the center of her universe. She never was to busy to hold us when we needed her. She was never to tired to stay up with us in the middle of night if we couldn't sleep. She was never too busy to make our favorite meals after a long day of work. She was never cold, and she was never mean. She was kind and compassionate. She was trusting and trustworthy. She taught us to be strong willed and have a purpose in life. She taught us to never let anyone change our paths, and to always follow our hearts.
Even to this day, even though I am 24.. a midnight phone call would never go unanswered, and if I truly needed her at 1600 miles away she would be on the soonest plane to keep me safe through it all.
I know my mom endured a lot in her life, she was so young, and she had her fair share of hardships, but she never strayed from being the best mother she could be.
When I think of the mother I want to be, her face never leaves my mind. There is nothing I would change about the way my mother raised me. There is nothing I would change about the person she is, or the way she loves us. I know she is my mom, and I may be biased but she did a perfect job in so many imperfect situations.
I think that is really what parenting is all about, and even though I have not yet held my child in my hands, I do hold him with my whole heart. There is no picture perfect parent. No mom will ever be the same, but if you love your child(ren) wholeheartedly and don't allow anything in the world to change that, than you will be the "perfect" parent.
I can't speak from experience quite yet, but I can speak from the experience of having a perfectly imperfect, generously loving mother.
I thank god for her everyday, and I think the biggest way I can show the lord my appreciation is to be half of the woman and mother that she is.