I am sitting at my desk at work, and feeling the need to write...
On my drive to work this morning I looked to my right and looked back. I quickly looked right again.
why the double take?
I swear, I seen my grandpa driving in the car next to me.
It's crazy I know, but for a split second I really did think it was him.
There are 5 stages in the grieving process.
I reached acceptation on his birthday last year. It marked the 3rd one I had to celebrate without him, and this past year was the first year instead of crying, I smiled, and I was okay with him being in a better place.
But there are times, like today when I have to run through all 5 again just to get back to acceptance
Those days suck, and those days hurt.
Since he was on my mind today I just kept going through situations in my head,
How he has not met Porter.
How he won't be there to tell me how beautiful I look in my wedding dress.
How he won't be able to stand by my side as I walk down the aisle.
How I won't be able to share the father/daughter dance with him.
and the acceptance seems to push farther and farther away.
He used to visit me in my dreams, and whether or not you believe in that sort of thing, to me it was 100% real. Ever since I found P he stopped coming. I know he kept visiting in my time of need, he came to comfort me in my extreme sorrows, but like I said after P, he stopped. I guess I didn't "need" him anymore.
I remember the last time he came in to my dreams. It was the week before I moved to Florida. I was contemplating my decision, and didn't know if I was doing the right thing was the last thing I was thinking about before I feel asleep.
I my dream my best friends told me they had a surprise for me, and in he walked through the door. It was the first time in my dream he looked how I remembered him to look, not how he looked when he was sick. He hugged me and told me he loved me, and I don't think I have ever felt something more real in my entire life. He asked me to follow him, he wanted to tell me something.
It was at that point that we ended up in a room, an attic if you will.
It has 4 walls but the ceiling was clouds. He told me that he came to say goodbye, and that he had to go now. He told me that he wished I could go with him but it wasn't my time. He told me that I would be okay. He kissed my cheek, and I woke up.
I believe it was his way of crossing over. I've read that spirits/souls stay when they have unfinished business, and I believe I was his.
I take heart knowing that I am truly okay, because he believes in me enough to not have to visit me anymore. He believes in my enough being in my heart is the best place for him.
I just miss him SO much, but that is never going to change.
It's the acceptance, that get's better with time..